There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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