can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
