hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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