I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
