you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
