I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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