ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
