Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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