i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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