..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
