At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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