is your mom at the bar?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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