I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
