I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
