I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
