her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
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i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
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If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.