I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
