I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
