I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
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It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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