I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Swine flu is the new snow day.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
