im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
