we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't want my vagina anymore.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
