Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
