I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
