I want to have your abortion
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
