waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
