somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
