No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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