i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
