I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
