Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
