Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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