I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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