am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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