i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
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I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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