My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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