I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
