So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
