There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
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