do herpes really smell.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
