My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
