why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
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somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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