There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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