That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
