Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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