I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
