I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
