well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i came on her dog
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
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