you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
