Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
