dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
