After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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